ooh boy

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have  a better chance of dying from the  anesthesia than the surgery itself.”
T. f., via Internet

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time,  I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap. After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”
Cindy Yates, Mill Valley, California

The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.
“How old are you?” a tenant asked.
“I’m 81 years old,” he answered.
The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”
Thomas Clements, Catonsville, Maryland

From the police blotter,  or, what a beat cop deals with  every day:
• A deputy responded to a report  of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes.  It was the mail carrier.
• A woman said her son was  attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the hospital.
• A resident said someone had  entered his home at night and taken five pounds of bacon. Upon further investigation, police discovered  his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack.
• A man reported that a squirrel  was running in circles on Davis Drive, and he wasn’t sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An  officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel.
Source: uniformstories.com

We were tearing down an  old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure. Six months later, she invited me  to her home. There she showed  off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank,  three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren.
d. r., via mail

Have you ever been a victim  of a JIB (job interview breakdown)? These men and women have:
• “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me what I wanted to be in five years, I said, ‘Race car driver.’”
• “The guy asked me to tell him  a little about myself, and I literally forgot who I was.”
• “I got asked about punctuality.  I went on about how it was good  to speak clearly and politely, and  it was nice to use proper grammar  in speech and writing.”
Source: dailymail.co.uk

My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt.
Source: storify.com

When my three-year-old was told  to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With  a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”
Janet Frenyea, Walkersville, Maryland

The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for  our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
Joanne Noffke, Oak Forest, Illinois

My high school assignment  was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served  in the Philippines during the war,  I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
Marian Babula, Penn Run, Pennsylvania

My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she  remarked, “An apple a day keeps  the doctor away, right?”
“That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”
Larry Jensen, Englewood, Colorado

My colleague has been living  in this country only a few months,  and although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today, everything wrong is going in my favor.”
Bacchus Johnson, Charlotte, North Carolina

“Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.’ ”
“Had a woman call 911 because she ‘had déjà vu in the shower and got nervous.’”
“Got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately. We arrive on scene, and she hands us an empty mint container, saying she took them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints.”
Source: Overheard in the ER

My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. Frustrated, my boss set his salad aside and proposed a specific and complex situation to the young man, then asked, “What would you do?”
The applicant hesitated, then, looking my boss straight in the eye, said, “Are you going to eat all those tomatoes?”
John Richman, Webster, New York

The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”
My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”
Rosemary Tomy, Tucson, Arizona

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.
“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.
“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my  feelings.”
A. P., via e-mail

During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had  “artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the  sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his Army-issued underwear.
Steven Silver, Scarsdale, New York

The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choice  of places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. It was carefully  encased in a Tupperware container and came with this note: “Dick, when you’re finished, can you mail back my container?”
Kathy Wilson, Chaska, Minnesota

As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on  body-part identification and the  k sound. To that end, I had him  use Play-Doh to make a sculpture  of me.
“Is that my neck?” I asked, trying to get him to repeat the word.
“No, that’s your chin,” he said.
He added more Play-Doh. “Is that my neck?” I asked.
“No, that’s your other chin.”
Ilene Smith, Milan, Michigan

Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?
Friend: You ordered a BLT.
Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread.
Alyssa Hoover, Dillsburg, Pennsylvania

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that  he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed.
Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with  32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.
Eddie Edwards, Ripley, Tennessee

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back  in 20 minutes. The woman asked,  “Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”
Jamie Hindman, Lewisville, Texas

It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”
Elaine Schyve, Cohocton, New York

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having  a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.
“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.
“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in  our wall.”
Betty Tenney, Sterling Heights, Michigan

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
Paul Neelon, Pembroke, Massachusetts

At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the  bunny’s lap?” I asked.
“No!” he shouted. “There’s  a man in his mouth!”
C. S., via mail

The black lacquer stand  holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as  before but with this appended to  his note: “Nice swords.”
Eleonore Bode-Lemming, Salem, Oregon

While hosting a garage sale,  I asked a man if he was looking for anything in particular. “Yes,” he said. “Place mats the color of grape jelly.”
H. T. Gibbons, Santa Fe, New Mexico

As the hostess at the casino  buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my  husband, who would be joining me  momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …”
She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
Rosalie Daria, Cincinnati, Ohio

We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?”
SMSgt. Dan Powell, from rallypoint.com

The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com:
• Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas
• Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes
• Had a new guy conduct a  “boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it
• Ordered a private to bring back  a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)

I’ve been working on my PhD  in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get  a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
Christopher Fields, Fort Collins, Colorado

An insurance agent called  our medical office. One of our  doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form  for a patient, but, the agent said, the  patient had altered it. The giveaway?  The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30.
J. L., via e-mail

I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything  I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.” If I praised someone’s work, it was “too little, too late.”
He eventually took another job  but was fired six months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted  me, hoping to return to his old job.
“Have you learned anything from this experience?” I asked.
“Yes, I should have stayed here,”  he admitted. “You’re too indecisive to have ever fired me.”
Terry O’Connor, Chantilly, Virginia

I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!”
G. M., via e-mail

My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the  resurrection of Christ.
“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response,  so she gave her students a hint:  “It starts with the letter R.”
One boy blurted, “Recycle!”
Mari-Lynn Finley, Los Angeles, California

Just before the final exam in  my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.
“Can you tell me what grade  I would need to get on the exam  to pass the course?” he asked.
I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”
“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”
Aimee Prawitz, Sycamore, Illinois

A woman called our airline  customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed:  “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
From gcfl.net

My 90-year-old dad was giving  a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?”
He replied, “When they stopped shooting at me.”
Lynette Combs, Norfolk, Virginia

In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC and came from a long line of military men. Trask (his last name) used that  heritage to lord it over me. But I had the last laugh.
One night, he returned to the dorm in his perfectly pressed  uniform, his newly acquired name tag in his hand. Reluctantly, he showed it to me. In large gold letters was printed: TRASH.
Gary Severson, Nooksack, Washington

A defendant isn’t happy with  how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for  a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away.”
Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”
Submitted by Pate Ferry, Mesa, Arizona

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
From A Prairie Home Companion

My five-year-old son is crazy about cars, so I took him to his  first car show. He loved seeing all  the different models and brands  and gushed over the big engines,  the colors, and even the wheels. But the car he was most impressed with was a hearse. “Mom!” he shouted. “Look at all this storage!”
Sara Simeral, New London, Connecticut

While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed  because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a  living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”
Lisa Shasha, Norwich, Connecticut

My mother was rushed to the  hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk.
Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.”
Betty Heim-Campbell, Fairhope, Alabama

For Martin Luther King Day,  I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.”
Jessica Castronovo,  Manalapan, New Jersey

Scene: A radio newsroom.
Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air.
Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it.
Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that.
Source: Overheard in the RADIO Newsroom

When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?”
“This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?”
After a pause: “Did you just say whom?”
“Yes, I did.”
The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up.
From gcfl.net

Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection. Once, a man asked how much a record cost. My coworker quoted him the price, then added, “But there’s a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records.”
Linda Neukrug, Walnut Creek, California

While on patrol, I arrested a burglar who’d injured himself running from a home. He told me he’d broken in and unhooked the phone before searching for valuables. But he’d panicked when he heard a woman’s voice. I entered the house and heard the same voice: “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try your call again.”
Wilson Hsia, Temple City, California

Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed …
… to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying.
… to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin.
… to be a Nobel Prize winner.
… to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time.
… he was fired “on accident.”
From careerbuilder.com

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”
The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along,  I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”
He promptly replied, “Another train.”
From guy-sports.com

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do  Web design.
Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?
Me: Oh, very easy.
Friend: He doesn’t mean to make  a Facebook profile. He means to  remake all of Facebook.
Me: Oh. Very hard.
Father: Oh, OK.
From clientsfromhell.net

After my niece returned from  her second tour in Iraq, I remarked how beautiful her complexion looked. “What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she said. “I’ve been sandblasted.”
Wanda kaltreider, Wrightsville, Pennsylvania

During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office. Sure enough, a few weeks later, I lost my key. I walked into the orderly’s room and asked Sarge if  I could borrow his master key.
“Why, certainly, young man,” he said, as he reached under his desk and handed me a large pair of bolt cutters.
John Dannar, Pasadena, Texas

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”
Here’s what Siri sent: “You need  to get back to work now; you have  a has-been to support.”
John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma

My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”
The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”
The case was dismissed.
Helen Reynolds, Missoula, Montana

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza  & Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread
Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this!
Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down :/
Source: Twitter

The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.”
Michael Stephens, Ontario, Canada

My friend at the singles club was blithely chatting away, oblivious  to the fact that her name tag had slipped down over her breast. I asked another friend if I should say something to her. “Like what?” she asked. “What she named the other one?”
Marcy Snaza, Richfield, Minnesota

The food at the sandwich shop  I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. His reply: “What am I going to do with the other half?” A week later, when I told another clerk the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?”
Carole Holder, Norman, Oklahoma

My five-year-old, Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the ch sound, which came out k. The  therapist asked him to say chicken. He responded with kitchen. They tried again and again, but it always came out kitchen. Undeterred, she pushed him for one more try. Matt sighed and said, “Why don’t we  just call it a duck?”
Pamela Spinney, Enosburg Falls, Vermont

• We made a private sweep all the sunshine off the sidewalks. It took the poor guy all day. —benSavageGardenState
• Our squad leader was yelling at a soldier when he abruptly stopped and said, “I’m done yelling at you. It doesn’t work.” He stormed off and returned carrying a small potted tree. “You will carry this tree with you wherever you go. If anyone asks you why you’re carrying this tree, you will say, ‘It’s to replace the oxygen I stole from everyone else.’” —Tain01
• A recruit thought he was special because he was an Eagle Scout. The drill instructor picked up on this and took him into the woods and made him build a nest. Then he had him squat over it in order to keep his eggs warm. —V_E_R_S_E
Source: reddit.com

An ad for a hedge clipper that  I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.”
Michael Goldstone, Manchester, England

I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor.  He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.”
Sarah Parchert, Hoschton, Georgia

A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was  expecting an ocean-view hotel  room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of  the state. “Don’t lie to me,” he said.  “I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.”
Source: hotelstories.freeservers.com

My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always forget you.” And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.”
Ellen Israel, Alamo, California

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
Stewart Francis

When a soldier came to the  clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an  attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination  was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was  I in there for?”
Joanne Korman, Bedford, Nova Scotia

While in Kuwait, shortly before we deployed to Iraq, a major general told our meeting that we should  expect to cross “into Iraq in less than 24 hours.” He then opened the floor to questions.
A lieutenant stood up and asked, “Is that 24 hours our time or 24 hours their time?”
Jesse Kane, Iowa City, Iowa

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.
“I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”
Sally Thorinson, Ferndale, Washington

Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share  the most embarrassing times they got caught.
“I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed down what I thought was my laptop screen, but it was actually my desktop  monitor.”
“I lied and told my dad school  was canceled. He said, ‘Let’s go see  a movie.’ We got in the car, and he dropped me off at school.”
“I was Facebooking in church, and the usher passed by and whispered, ‘You better be texting Jesus.’”
Source: The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down,  she threw her arms in the air  and yelled in excitement, “I went potty all by myself, and now I can  go to Harvard!”
Jan and Jack McCloskey,  San Francisco, California

My friend called me in hysterics. “I just saw a mouse in my kitchen!” she yelled. “I’m so grossed out! It’s  so disgusting!”
“What are you going to do?”  I asked.
“I’m not sure. But you can bet I’ll never eat the stuff I drop on the floor anymore.”
Kirsten Lauth, Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio

Scene: Horseback-riding stable.
Mom: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter.
Me: Our horses are very sweet …
Mom: Don’t you have something smaller? What about that one over there? It’s the perfect size for her!
Me: Um … that’s a goat.
From notalwaysright.com

Gauging from these exam  excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés.
“The costumes were vindictive  of the style of dance.”
“I commend Bill T. Jones for  his acts of true kindness and  selfishness.”
“Dancers must have long limps.”
“At first, I had a hard time  understanding and interrupting  his movement.”
“Savion Glover’s purpose is to cross all racial and ethical barriers with his dance.”
Kathy Dubois, Onalaska, Wisconsin

During college, I worked on  a conveyor belt. One day, I was  on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
“I work at the end of a belt,” I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?”
Skip Parker, Reno, Nevada

My gunnery sergeant and  I were inspecting a Marine training exercise when we spotted a second lieutenant ambling about. “Where is your foxhole, Lieutenant?” I asked.
He snapped off a salute and  responded, “I don’t know, sir!”  Turning to the sergeant, he asked, “Gunnery, where is my foxhole?”
“You’re standing in it, sir,” said  the sergeant. “All you have to do is remove the dirt.”
Ret. Lt. Col. Joseph Como, Greenwood, South Carolina

I phoned a local restaurant to  ask if it was on the north or south side of Main Street. The person on the other end answered, “That  depends on which direction you’re coming from.”
Patricia Thompson, Shawnee, Kansas

Spotted in the classifieds: “For sale: cemetery plot, $200, so  I don’t have to spend all eternity  beside my ex!”
Anthony Cialella, New Castle, Pennsylvania

For serving as flower girl for her aunt, three-year-old Sydney received  a doll and bridal-themed gifts. Sydney was so thrilled, she ran to her aunt and announced, “I want this for all your weddings!”
Helen Thoen, Manly, Iowa

Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.”
“Eau the Humanity” —Serena Meyer
“Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” —Wade Etheredge
“Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” —Austin King
“Claustrophobique” —Cynthia Pocali
“Mist Connection” —Cary Berkowitz
“The 99 Per-scent” —Julia Flagg

I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit.  My mom e-mailed all my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of “morning sickness.” Thanks, Mom.
Source: fmylife.com

Wandering inside a pet store,  I stopped in front of a birdcage to  admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”
Shirley Brown, Richardson, Texas

My son and I were checking out  a house he was interested in buying. When the owner came to the door, she looked at me and said, “Larry?  I know you. We went to school  together. I’m Elaine. Don’t you  recognize me?”
I drew a complete blank.
She took out our old yearbook and showed me her graduation picture—still nothing. “Let’s look at your  picture,” she said.
She flipped the pages until she came to me. Under my photo I  had written, “Elaine, I will never  forget you.”
Lawrence I. Brant, Delray Beach, Florida

“Halt!” shouted our drill  instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Our instructor approached the  directionally challenged Marine  and stomped on his left foot. “Now,” he said, “when I say ‘left,’ it’s the  one that hurts.”
Wayne Schroeder, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

My son was born while I was serving abroad, so he was three  before we met. When I got home, I decided it was time for a little father-son bonding time. I bought him a  toy razor and invited him to “shave” with me. In the bathroom, I took  up my razor and started shaving.  I looked around to see how my son was doing. His foot was up on the side of the bathtub, and he was  running the razor up and down  his leg. So much for male bonding.
James F. Day, Prichard, West Virginia

One of the most popular questions asked at our family restaurant is “What’s good tonight?”
Now, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. So  I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.
He calmly replied, “Anything over $17.95.”
From gcfl.net

I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?”
My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.”
Cindy Mauro, West Milford, New Jersey

What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? Questions from tourists, like these:
• How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
• Would the lightning be faster if  it didn’t zigzag?
• What do you do with the snow when it melts?
Source: msn.com

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection.  The husband called out to his wife  in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but  it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”
A. R., via Internet

My daughter Amy was holding down two jobs: The first was as a manicurist at a salon; the other was raking leaves for a housing development. One day, she came back from lunch at the raking job to find a note. Her boss, who didn’t know about  her other job, had taken down this phone message: “Amy, you have a man to cure on Thursday at three.”
Nancy Billings, Oak Bluffs, Massachusetts

My granddaughter was  graduating from college, so I asked about any plans she had for the  future. She hadn’t any, but she  did know this much: “I certainly don’t want to sit in one of those  cubicles and think all day.”
B. O., via Internet

We were making leaflets for a  local church, and the client wanted  a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter,  I got a call.
Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more like God’s.
Source: clientsfromhell.net

It was sheer brilliance. The ship’s operations officer entered  the messdeck, his eyes bleary and at half-mast. He grabbed a bagel and took a seat. Unfortunately, the sun was shining through a porthole right onto his face. Rather than move, he called the bridge: “Hey,” he said, “can you shift the ship 15 degrees? Thanks.”
Source: abovetopsecret.com

Students are great about  sending our troops letters, and the troops love ’em. You can see why:
“Dear Soldier, If you’re having  a rough day, remember the most  important thing in life is to be  yourself. Unless you can be Batman.”
“Dear Veterans, You rock more than AC/DC or Metallica or Red  Hot Chili Peppers.”
“I am so happy you are risking your life for the USA! My grandpa Bob was in the Navy. Now he likes peanuts.”
Source: uniformstories.com

As he got his diaper changed, Daniel looked down and said,  “I have a wee-wee. Daddy has  a wee-wee.”
“That’s right,” said his mother. “That’s because you’re both boys. Do you know what  mommies have?
Daniel did: “Earrings.”
From I Am So Full of Happy Today  by Martin Nedergaard Anderson and Moira Tuffy (Borgen Publishers)

After catching her five-year-old son Lucas trying to pull a fast one, his mother demanded, “Do you think I have idiot written on my forehead?”
Lucas answered, “I don’t know. I can’t read.”
From I Am So Full of Happy Today  by Martin Nedergaard Anderson and Moira Tuffy (Borgen Publishers)

During a Pilates class, our thin teacher apologized to one of her larger students for blocking her view of herself in the mirror.
“Don’t worry,” the woman said. “I can see myself on either side of you.”
Amanda Barton, Derby, England

During a visit with my grandmother, my husband noticed a birthday card from a local funeral parlor.
“That was nice of them,” he said.
She was unimpressed. “They only want me for my body,” she grumbled.
Carmen Schmeiser, Normal, Illinois

After an impromptu song, our pastor asked the church pianist, “What key did I sing that in?”
The pianist replied, “Most of them.”
Judy Scheffel, Alpharetta, Georgia

My 11-year-old grandson spent  a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”
His reply: “I can only dream.”
Sylvia Cardenas,  Hacienda Heights, California

As I waited for my luggage  at the airport, a man lifted my  suitcase off the baggage carousel.
“Excuse me,” I shouted. “That’s  my suitcase.”
The man shot back defensively, “Well, somebody took mine!”
C. S., via Internet

My sister didn’t do as well on her driver’s-ed test as she’d hoped.  It might have had something to  do with how she completed this  sentence: “When the ______ is dead, the car won’t start.”
She wrote: “Driver.”
Nathan Hellman, Brooklyn, New York

Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did  I do on my research paper?
Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the  sentences you apparently  kidnapped in the dead of night  and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.

My husband was at a dinner with colleagues, and one of them had too much to drink. Feeling drowsy, the poor man sank back into his chair and said, “I don’t feel good. I’m  going into screen saver mode.”
L. Y., via Internet

While teaching at a veterinary college, I ordered a few books for our library. One was George Orwell’s  Animal Farm. When I went to take it out, I discovered that the librarian had placed the book in the section for dairy and poultry.
Jacob Cheeran, Thrissur, India

A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called,  demanding a refund.
Client: You did my tattoo backward!
Tattoo artist: It’s backward?
Client: Yes! I’m looking at it in the mirror right now!
Source: clientsfromhell.net

A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?”
William Umberson, San Diego, California

My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!”
Tracy Vance, Ocala, Florida

As if the declining health of my grandmother weren’t enough, my parents suddenly had to contend with an ant infestation. So I was glad to get a text from Mom updating me: “Exterminator was here; thinks she got the nest behind the microwave. She sprayed, and hundreds came out—dead and woozy. Grandma  Marie the same.”
Jennifer Shafer, Durham, North Carolina

Scene: My cousin Matt and his daughter at Chick-fil-A.
Matt: Can I please get a four-piece kids’ meal with white milk. [Pause] Oh, and gimme an extra white milk.
Clerk: Um … We only have one kind of milk, and it’s pretty white.
Paul Silverman, Mohegan Lake, New York

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.
@trmiller1326, from reddit.com

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island

A friend knew that she’d overdone it with the gifts and candy last Easter when her six-year-old woke up to all the booty and shouted, “This is the best Christmas ever!”
Chris McDonough, Wilmington, Delaware

Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to  my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so  stubborn.”
He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with her when she gets old.”
Angie Kiem, Irwin, Iowa

“Has your diet changed?”  I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital.
“Yes,” she said. “For Lent, I gave  up whipped cream on my Jell-O, hard candy, and my two beers a night. [Pause] And look where it’s gotten me.”
L.K., via Internet

Religion is generally a verboten topic for everyone at work, except  for Larry. Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a coworker whispered to me, “That Larry—he always has to put his two saints in.”
Mark Latessa, Brownstown, Michigan

Scene: Inside a Best Buy store.
Customer: Can you help me? I’m looking for a shredder.
Coworker: We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily?
Customer: Collard greens.
Jessica Smith, Peachtree City, Georgia

Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular  as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are  comments purportedly made by  patients to physicians during their procedures.
“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”
Source: Dave Barry, in the Miami Herald

Request from a client: “For the ad, use a stock photo of a woman or a person.”
Source: clientsfromhell.net

Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist:
“$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college. Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, “I have a male name.” The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than “attend all classes, pass all tests,  and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.” Don’t worry about having to actually get into  the Ivy League school: “I’ve already taken care of that,” he says.

While taking stock of our  products, I read aloud the final  numbers to my boss. As he entered each one into a calculator, I deleted it off my mobile device. Only after  I’d finished did we realize that he had entered the numbers on his  desk phone’s keypad.
David Marland, on quora.com

While on maneuvers in the  Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help.
“Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?” the base operator asked him.
“Yes,” said the lieutenant. “We are directly under the moon.”
Jesse Joe Wingo, Gaylord, Michigan

During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. There was bound to be trouble, and  I was right, because suddenly, he  fell silent—eyebrows arched, brain overloaded. After a long pause, he thundered, “The alphabet?!”
John DiFeliciantonio,  Ventnor City, New Jersey

After my three-year-old begged and begged, I gave in and  let her attend a concert with her older sister and brother. As we  took our seats, I handed programs  to the kids. Following the lead of her siblings, my three-year-old opened her program and announced, “I’ll have the chicken.”
From gcfl.net

A commercial boasted that its product could help people live  pain-free in their golden years.
“Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked.
“Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”
Dennis McClanahan, Buckner, Missouri

I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.”
“I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I replied. She stared at me, confused. “That was my lie,” I said.
“Oh, right. I see. Very funny,” she said. She paused a moment before rolling over. “That was my lie.”
From @ab1kenobe on reddit.com

I’m at the library, and for some reason, when I plug my flash drive into the computer, it doesn’t show up. I keep trying, but nothing happens. As an IT major, I know I can figure this out. So I spend 15 minutes changing settings and inserting and removing the flash drive. Then a girl sitting next to me taps my shoulder and says, “You’re plugging into my computer, not yours.”
Source: acidcow.com

When I spotted a Navy captain  on the street, I saluted and bellowed, “LST 395,” which was the designation and number of the ship I served on during World War II.
The captain returned my salute and responded, “LMD 67.”
“What’s an LMD?” I asked.
“Large mahogany desk.”
Michael Ciavolino, Bel Air, Maryland

A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting  unexplainable wind shifts.
“Do you know where the sensor is located?” my coworker asked.
“Of course,” he responded. “It’s where we park the helicopters.”
Angelo Giordano, Bellevue, Nebraska

Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:
Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.
Son: Why is that funny?
Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?
Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.
Mom: I thought it meant Lots  of Love. I have to call everyone back.
~
Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.
Mom: WTF!
Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?
Mom: Well That’s Fantastic.
~
Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?
Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.
Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.
Source: lifebuzz.com

A long line leading to the ladies’ room greeted my friend’s wife. Since desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend took her  into the empty men’s room, then stood guard. When she exited a few minutes later, a man waiting his turn called out, “I hope you remembered to put up the toilet seat.”
Raymond V. Packouz, Lake Oswego, Oregon

When I bought beer at the  grocery store, the clerk asked for  my birthdate.
I said, “10-3-60.”
Her next question: “Is that ‘19’ 60?”
David Phenix, Columbia, South Carolina

The water I was heating for pasta refused to boil, and if my 12-year-old son was right, I wasn’t helping by constantly checking on it.
“It’s like that old saying,” he said. “ ‘A watched website never loads.’ ”
Helen Russ, Medford, Oregon

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “I do.”
Michael Jordan, Moss Point, Mississippi

My young son ran to me, crying. “Daddy, I stubbed my toe,” he sobbed.
“Let me kiss it and make it better,” I said. “Which toe was it?”
“The one that has no roast beef.”
Gary Neal, Clearwater, Florida

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